I know, a good Grandfather would have created an announcement and posted it within a day of his birth.  I’m not that Grandfather.

Kayln delivered Bodhi Alexander in the early morning hours of June 20th.  A few days ago he turned four months old.  His first name is a name his father wanted.  His middle name honored my son, Kayln’s brother.

I learned with my kids that while there was a bond with them as soon as they were born, it was only a superficial and basic attachment that, over the course of the first few months, eventually blossomed into something deep and life-changing.

I won’t try to speak for other men.  I can only explain how I felt and what I experienced.  When we found out that Lisa was pregnant with both Kayln, and then Alex, I felt the initial excitement of knowing we’d have one, and then a second, child.  I remember losing sleep over the responsibility and hoping that I would be a good father to them.  I knew that at some point I would let them down and at some point they would let me down.  Familial love would allow us all to get through the challenges we’d face.

While Lisa experienced the hormonal changes, the growing belly, the flutters inside her that developed into kicks and rolls, the closest I felt was when I could finally feel a kick against my hand after she was several months along.  The best way I can describe it is that I felt I was responsible to protect both of them, serve both of them, and make sure they safely made it to the delivery.  There was still a separation, though, most likely caused by the fact that I was still an outsider to the bond of the mother and the child.

When Kayln was born, I had the emotional reaction that many fathers have.  I was suddenly overwhelmed with happiness, elatedness, wonder, and apprehension.  Lisa spent the night in the hospital and when I drove home alone the next morning to pick up the last of the things we’d need for her to come home, I cried all the way home.

Then, the real work kicked in.  As soon as Kayln came home, she turned orange.  We decided to treat the jaundice with a rented light box that required 24 hour monitoring because if Kayln was able to remove the eye coverings and stare at the lights, her eyes could be damaged.

She was no more needy than any other baby, I’m sure.  But, like all babies, she was helpless and required us for everything.  I was there to experience the first poop.  I tried to assist in getting her to latch on to Lisa in a failed attempt at breastfeeding.  Then, I assisted in making sure that all the milk that was pumped was frozen, or thawed, as needed.  All the things that young parents do, I did.

It was a developing closeness, but it didn’t feel like it at the time.  It just felt like work.  I accepted the job as provider and protector and took it seriously, but because I hadn’t carried her inside me, I felt more like a working dog happily performing its duties than the father of a newborn girl.

As fathers didn’t get to take weeks and weeks off from work for paternity leave at the time, I immediately went back to work.  I would come home and be greeted by my wife and little girl but, like all parents, it was like working two jobs.  Lisa would excitedly tell me about what Kayln had done that day and I’d assist in feeding and diapers and getting up in the middle of the night.  Work.

Then, one day when she was about a month old, Kayln made eye contact with me.  I could tell it was more than just a coincidental eye sweep that happened to stop near mine.  She looked at me.  Her eyes darkened as her pupils dilated slightly.  The corners of her mouth turned up in the first smile that she directed at me.  We connected.

It was at that point that I finally felt like I had become a father.

I had a similar experience with Alex at about a month old.  With him, though, since he was our second child, the work didn’t seem quite as much like work.  It was second nature and both Lisa and I were able to perform the different parental duties on muscle memory for the most part.

He, too, locked on me with his blue eyes and he smiled.

And so it was with Bodhi.

He was born into Covid-19 times.  It meant that when Kayln went into labor, we had to stay at home and wait to hear something from Dustin, her husband.  We couldn’t be in a waiting room, couldn’t view him in the nursery, couldn’t see him in person until several days after he was born.

We finally did.

As grandparents for the first time, Lisa and I got to see our grandson.  He looked like most newborns look to me.  He was misshapen from the birth experience and his color was a little off.  He ate.  He slept.  He processed his milk and it left him in one of two ways.  There was nothing wrong with him.  But let’s be honest, no newborn is particularly good looking.

They don’t stay that way.  In almost no time they normalize and become cute and adorable and all those words people use to describe them.  Bodhi was no different.

While I held him the first day we met him, it was only for a few minutes as Lisa couldn’t get enough of him and I didn’t push very hard to take him away.  It was nice.  But it was holding a newborn nice.  It didn’t quite feel like I was holding my grandson yet.  I knew it to be true, but that connection wasn’t made just yet.

Kayln has taken on the best traits of both her parents and is an excellent Mom.  I was happy to see, though, that not everything has come naturally to her and that Lisa has been a big help in teaching Kayln some of the nuts and bolts of keeping a newborn alive and happy.  It brought them closer together and that makes me happy.

I continued to hold him each time we were together and he began to feel a little more like a grandson.  Kayln mentioned little landmarks he would achieve over his first couple weeks and months.  Then, pictures began being posted where you could see that there was a little person in there.  Then, the real smiles started.

Kayln would post or text pictures of him and in them all he was smiling.  Eventually he started jabbering a little bit.  Then more jabbering.  At four months he’s having full on conversations with his parents, with Lisa, with his dog.

And me.  Around my birthday in September we were watching Bodhi at Kayln’s house.  I was holding him and I turned him around enough so that I could face him.  His eyes locked with mine.  I didn’t talk to him but I did smile.  He maintained eye contact, expressed recognition, and smiled back.

I became his Grandfather.

What’s funny is that along with that moment came back memories of Kayln that I hadn’t thought about for years — her smiling, giggling, belly-laughing, and jabbering away, just like her son.  It made me remember what it was like to be a father to a little girl.  It was a great feeling then and even greater now that I can appreciate it because for a while it was lost to history.  I am feeling it with the perspective of another twenty-five-plus years of life experience and the appreciation that those were the best times of my life and I didn’t realize it at the time.

And so it starts again with another generation.

I am a lucky man.